Monday, 20 April 2015
Another cycle has wrapped up and I have to admit that this has been my roughest one yet.
I was scheduled to go into my clinic 10 days after my transfer for my beta but by day 9 I was out of medication and truthfully I was just over it. I had been testing negative on the First Response tests and I was sure that it was over so I popped into the clinic a day early, while I was there I had them run my AMH which is the test to determine your egg supply. This would be good information to have moving forward since at 33 I am now much older than 18 when I started this journey.
Later that day I got a phone call from the nurse, my beta had come back at 3 - technically negative because it was under 5 but because I have never had a beta over 0 (with the exception of my pregnancy with Maxwell) they wanted me to continue on the medication and return for another beta on Monday (day 13 past transfer). It was a long shot, it would be a true miracle if something came from that beta number but I decided to follow their instructions. Imagine my surprise when the following day I started to get a faint positive on the tests at home. By Saturday night I was getting a second line that was visible to even a non-POAS experts eyes.
Then it happened, I let myself believe it, I let myself believe that I was newly pregnant, I calculated my due date - December 27th, I debated about whether I wanted to find out the gender, I bought into the possibility that this could be our miracle.
Sunday morning my test looked lighter, I didn't panic, I thought that maybe I'd drank too much before bed but by Sunday night the second line was almost gone and I broke.
I sat in a bubble bath and cried until my body ached, this was new.... I never cry with failures anymore. I dried off and went to bed.... cried myself to sleep.
I woke up and tested again to prepare for the beta, stark white no sign of a line.
Puffy faced and red eyed I went to the clinic and got my blood drawn, talked to the nurse about the positive lines and that while I was sad I was also hopeful because it clearly showed that this new treatment had indeed worked. While I wouldn't be taking home a baby I perhaps now have the key for the next cycle and now I didn't think that PGD testing would be needed. My only hope now is that the blood work was elevated enough to confirm the "success" to the doctor since he was pretty reluctant to do it in the first place. I would save my pennies and plan for IVF #5 that's when the nurse gave me the news, my AMH results had come in and I now have low ovarian reserve, basically I am running out of eggs. When this is the case time isn't a friend and the clock seems to be running on fast forward. Do I even have a year to save without costing myself the loss of the eggs that I still have?
Hours later I get "the" call from the clinic, my beta came back at 3, it had dropped back to where it had started and all we now have to show the doctor is the pictures of the positive test. Will he agree to do the therapy again? Will he refuse and cause me to switch clinics? Will I decide that enough is enough and walk away? I don't know.... what I do know is that failure hurts less than almost success but there is no sense in wallowing in the pain. Time to dust myself off and move forward.