Friday, 13 June 2014
I've been struggling with this post, whether to write it or not.... whether its over sharing or whether it may be helpful if someone is in a similar boat. I didn't have the words, I still don't know if I do but my therapist encourages writing as method of purging our thoughts and feelings so we have room for new ones (blah blah blah)
Realistically the last few posts have been about the inner workings of my lady parts so I guess in comparison this isn't really all that private.
Life can be messy and complicated and stressful and everyone has their own ways of coping. Most people find a way to deal with situations when they arise and when they are over life is back to normal but what happens when those stressful situations are the normal?
Welcome to my world, My coping method has always been to just pull up my big girl panties and carry on, Do whats expected, meet and exceed everything, prove everyone wrong.... just do it, Don't ruffle feathers unless its absolutely required, keep your drama to yourself and don't burden others with your pesky expectations or emotions.
Parents ugly divorce, living low income, teenage pregnancy, raising a son while still raising myself, miscarriage, postpartum depression, infertility, marital strife, adoptions, cancer, autism, children with medical needs, death and than the day to day stresses that just come with life - I just coasted. I put one foot in front of the other and those situations became my world and I expected that to always be my method.
Then one morning a few weeks ago something happened, I woke up and realized that while things were the same they were different. That when life goes from constant chaos to semi calm its surreal and it comes with time to reflect. I was able to see that there are aspects of myself and my life that I simply don't like, I haven't liked them for a long time but I've never wanted to rock the boat and so I just sailed along despite my thoughts and feelings. That morning was different, I was different, somehow changed over night and determined not to go back to my old way of being in the world.
I said what needed to be said to people and I made my expectations clear, I wasn't happy with my body or my health and so I committed to change. I realized that I was burdening my children by coddling them and so I delivered responsibilities and consequences. That morning it was clear to me that the world I'd created for myself wasn't even one that I liked and what was worse was I really didn't (and still don't) know what my ideal world even looks like. What I do know is that I will never get to it if I continue to be the way that I was. Change is hard, while I am excited about the possibilities of my future I can see that those around me are uncomfortable. I can see that they would rather things go back to "normal" and while I love them, I just cant let that happen. Eventually with time the new me will be "normal" and they will adjust and maybe just maybe there wont be any more eye opening and life altering mornings, there will only be mornings filled with inner peace, happiness and coffee.... lots and lots of coffee.